There's a disproportionate amount of focus on the good cocktails nowadays. Every food and drink blog in the land is talking about the head bartender being the new executive chef, and about this era being a cementing one for the staggering, stammering cocktail.
But given how many people are still happily dipping their straws into neon drinks named after sex positions, it seems a little premature to discuss the "Cocktail Renaissance." We're going to take some time to remind you how it still is out there. You see, while the hip and the beautiful are sipping artichoke Negronis in the darkened corners of faux-'20s bars while strumming their genitals to ragtime and huffing bags of their own farts, some people are still pounding Mai Tais and vomiting in their wicker shoes like it's 1983. Given this disparity, here are 10 horrible cocktails that still exist.
10. 7 and 7
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Not really a cocktail, but that's why it's at number 10. Best consumed whilst clad in oil-smeared denim slurring along to Rush in a parking lot shared with possible prostitutes, Seagram's 7 and 7Up is the Canadian truck driver's drink of choice.
9. Malibu and Pineapple
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This drink has the unique option of being served in a hollowed pineapple or coconut! But, no, we don't care if you're on vacation in Barbados. You shouldn't be drinking this filth.
8. Tequila Sunrise
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The Tequila Sunrise is as '80s as a bag of cocaine wearing shoulder pads. While absolutely delicious, it's nevertheless a shameful beast. It's the Pop Tart of the cocktail book.
7. Dirty Martini with Blue Cheese Stuffed Olives
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Yo! Buddy! No one's eating blue cheese stuffed olives anymore! Is there much worse than the coming together of olive juice, vodka, and little blue cheese floaters? Maybe try ordering a drink that doesn't make you look like a ferocious alcoholic...
6. Mai Tai
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Two kinds of rum and almond liqueur? Mmmm, sign me up for that! I love hangovers! Particularly really bad ones that accompany embarrassing flashbacks of me looking like a complete tool holding a Mai Tai!
5. Apple Martini
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The culture of wanting to get drunk on juice brought about a stream of "martini" cocktails that were packed with sugar and artificial colors, and paired extremely well with Bubblicious and menthol cigarettes.
4. Jager Bomb
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Jägermeister and Red Bull are the perfect match for one another. They're Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis. Gross yet sexy. Violent, yet deeply compelling. The Jager Bomb will laugh sardonically as it pulls the ejector lever on your bowels.
3. AMF - Adios Mother...Frencher
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The ultimate in the new breed of club drinks, and the first blue drink on our list! Looking like the fluid used to test the absorption capacity of sanitary towels in commercials, the AMF is a disgrace. Yo! I hate absolutely everything about myself, give me an AMF.
2. Mojito
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Some of you might be distraught to find your 'fave drink eva' on a list of worst drinks ever, but here it is. Bartenders will be mortified to find that it isn't at the top of the list. Mojitos are the biggest pain in the ass to make and once you make one, every clown-shoe-wearing-mother-frencher in the building wants one.
1. The Long Island Iced Tea
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The crown for the worst drink ever could only go to the Long Island Iced Tea. It's a deplorable drink typically found being spilt onto people's shirts by a stumbling idiot, being vomited into urinals, and happily beating years off your liver. If you're drinking it, you're that guy.
- Blog and Images credit to www.thesavory.com
